Welcome back to the long awaited Fanzine ...
& Happy Daddy Papersurfer DAY !!!!!
I can only apologise on behalf of my IS provider Sir Branston Pickle for this huge 'hump' in publishing anything....... Fanzine Editor has had both hands tied behind her back and struggles daily (Harry Houdini would be proud as would Nurse Myra ;-) ) to publish the simplest of posts.
However, not being one to dwell on the negatives of life..... here is Fanzine IX (9)
A quick reminder of past issues of the Fanzine for your perusal....
Issue 8 November 2008 ~ DP has a significant event
Issue 7 June 2008 ~ an insight into DPs life
Issue 6 May 2008 ~ the Papersurfer family tree
Issue 5 April 2008 ~ the secret laboratory & long lost family members
Issue 4 April 2008 ~ Official DP day & celebration memorabilia
Issue 3 March 2008 ~ the Oscars & Gertrude
Issue 2 March 2008 ~ DP runs for Presidency
Issue 1 February 2008 ~ Introducing the phenomenon that is Daddy Papersurfer
As editor of your favorite Fanzine I do have a responsibility to find out just what the 'phenomenon that is Daddy Papersurfer' has been up to.
Last year to escape the heat of the papersurferazzi he took refuge in Surfugal.....this time he has tried to avoid the publicity (& escape the secure gated community) by moving to a remote cliff top residence somewhere in a secret location on the South Coast of England.
It didn't take me long to track him down though ... Phyllis from his previous local woolshop was very helpful indeed, after I had the inspiration to tempt her to loosen her tongue by offering her some jellied eels and liquor.
I followed her directions and stumbled across the man himself. I managed to capture this photo whilst lurking in the hedgerow ( DP will you cut down that bloody Hawthorn bush I am still picking out the thorns)
Surely he is not doing domestic chores readers & 'WHAT IS HE WEARING'?
However, I suppose it is a slight improvement on some of his past wardrobe choices
or this when he stole the lovely Sylvie's identity!!!
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Whilst surfing the 'safety net' last week I came across a reference for
I'd never heard of Joke 90? Intrigued I had to investigate as it surely had DP's DNA all over it ... I paid my money and today I received an annual through the post.
It looks a bit 'doctored' but what does one expect when paying only 99p for a vintage 70s annual?
Inside it indeed has information about DP and a chap that guides him .. I wonder who Ian really is? .. could it be John C, GitWizard, Kevin or is it Dear Frac in disguise.. maybe it is Diane as there is a reference to Dorset?? (fantabulously great disguises gals if it is either of you)
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DP has become a man of letters of late. I suppose this is symptomatic of being a little more mature in dog years.. your Fanzine editor has letters formulated in her head about things that upset/bug her (I have a great one for Sir Branston Pickle) but she still prefers the verbal explanations to date ... just give me time... there is a lot... ok there is a little you can learn from his rants
For those of you who have missed out on the marvellous ramblings contained in DPs letters.....the links are here
day 1...Dear Old Lady
day 2...Dear Young Man
day 3...Dear Young Mum
day 4...Dear Local Council
day 5...Dear Car Park Attendant,
day 6.....very silent!!! mmmm yes DP can't count... & yes fanzine readers you heard it here first !!!!!
day 7..Dear Market Stall holder
day 8...Dear Boy Scout
day 9...Dear Packaging Companies
Day 10 ... Dear 10 items or less Cashier
In response to DPs letters and the fact he is who he is, the Fanzine office floor has been stacked with mail, these past few months.
I even found this poor lost soul hidden beneath the weight of mail ...
She had posted herself over from across the pond in the hope to meet the phenomenon. She looked very pale and her cups were flat when I dragged her out ... but after a beer and a chocolate brownie she soon perked up.
I am not entirely convinced that DP hasn't sent a few of these letters himself because of his recent furtive flurryings with his quill.....time will tell but to date I have not had time to wade through the bulk.
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Fanzine Letter Page
[If your letter doesn't appear here please feel free to publish them in the comments section of the Fanzine or send them freepost to me so I can feature them in the next exciting edition]Dear Fanzine Ed
Long ago I managed to unearth the identity of Daddypapersurfer, through no fault of his.
That was some time after I had gone through a number of situations in which the 'Ol Git' had been there for me. Bearing his sage words with total lack of knowing what he meant, he always knew what to say to create a feeling of empathic caring.
If there would be one thing that someone could teach me that would be the strongest tool in my life in dealing with other people, it would be his wisdom.
Since wisdom can't be taught, I guess I'm stuck with reading the guy's stuff. It's either that or go cannibal chopping him into cutlets for dinner.
He's really the only person I know online I would ever aspire to be more like in certain qualities I want to develop more in myself.
...should a chocolate covered DP be sprinkled with confectionary sugar...or cinnamon?
Love D.E. Ranged
Love D.E. Ranged
Dear D.E.
WB to the Fanzine. I do declare it was your vision that actually sparked off this wonderful Fanzine ... way back here in Fanzine I.
Us fans of DP (scattered widely across the globe) thank you from the bottom of our ... bottoms ;-)
DP really is an ..... ermm?? what is the word??? oh yes an example to all of us.
Where would we all be now without his daily Old Git words of wisdom and flimflam? .... lying on a sandy beach in the Bahamas perhaps or drinking fruity cocktails on a balcony soaking up the warm Mediterranean sun or sat at our PC's wondering what was missing?
oh in answer to your culinary question... anything that is chocolate covered just yells for both icing sugar & cinnamon ... oh and topped with hundreds and thousands
Love from your Fanzine Ed x
>^<^>^<^>^,^>
Dear Fanzine Ed
I intend to keep this short and sweat (strike through sweat) - sweet.
I have been a fan for many weeks now. I have been following evereee steps and movements (mainly wind) Daddy P has made since he set his first steps in the blogosphere. watching his progress slowly and cringing many times along the way.
I think I deserve his daily attention - slaughter...(strike through attention)
I will forgive his allusions to Uma...he will soon grow tired of her (she is not even using Twitter)- she is NO contender...
He has been the prey of many highly influential bloggers but I know deep down that I will be the one he will run away with on Technorati ... has to be...I should know...I am a highly influential Uma look alike (in a streched way) with almost perrrrfect English.
If you know who I am - please keep quiet for as long as you can ... he has no IDEAS and that is better that way. sincerely a seriously deluded yet commited follower/ lover on twatter ( euh I mean T-witter)
shuuuush....
Dear shuuuush
Your English is fabulous don't let the fact English isn't your first language put you off influencing the fact we realise here at the Fanzine, you are one ardent fan of the 'phenomenon that is DP'.
As Fanzine Ed I am bitterly disappointed at the lack of response from Uma. She has had a high profile on this 'fab mag' and have we had a hint of twatter? (strike through... and replace with Twitter) no we haven't!
Stay steadfast dear shuuush I am sure it won't be long before he scoops you up and carries you off into his cupboard telling you tales of his adventures of Technotari and the wonders it can bring ...
Love Fanzine Ed x
>^<^>^<^>^,^>
Oi you ... yes you Mr Phenomenonamon!!
I know where you live Guv
The Market Stall Holder
Dear Market Stall Holder
That is so ticketty boo that you know where Daddy Papersurfer lives.
I am with out doubt sure he would love you to pop along to his residence and have a laugh or two over the jolly japes you both shared recently.
Indeed I do believe that he would make you a lovely cup of afternoon tea and bake a few scones which you could enjoy in his English Country garden.
If you do have any trouble locating the exclusive residence please don't hesitate in contacting me.... oh when you do get there do watch out for the Hawthorn bush
signed Fanzine Ed
>^<^>^<^>^,^>
Dearest dearest daddy pee pee poopoo
Why are you not answering my letters, texts, e mails, phone calls?
I have even changed my name by deed poll in the hope you will respond.
You know you can't deny me for ever.
Love and kissy poo poo chuckles xxxxxxx
Uma T Hurman
(formerly known as Arthur Smith, lorry driver from Dagenham)
Dear Arthur ... sorry Uma
I can only apologise as some of your letters may well be in the huge pile on the office floor. Uma I hate to break the news to you and there is no easy way to tell you this but ........................ DP is 'taken' and has been for many years.
I know just now your heart will be breaking but you will find some one who is equally inspiring to you ... someone else that can fill your head endlessly full of drivel and diatribe ... who will tra la la and #tee hee....but only if you just give it some time.
If, however, the pain does not subside in 24 hours I have his address and you can share a nice cup of tea with him and the market stall holder whilst sitting on the cliff edge admiring the view of France (on a clear day)
yours Fanzine Ed
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Fanzine free gift for DP DAY ... yes Fanzine readers it is free.
Using the power of ScissorShop developed by the man himself you can wear with pride your Daddy Papersurfer badge ... just follow the simple instructions below
Step 5 ... now you have a sparkling button badge to impress your friends with. We have seen examples at the Oscars as worn by the stars of stage and screen.
Now you to can wear that very same badge with pride.
Expect to be stopped in the street and asked 'where have you have acquired such an amazing product?' ........... just point them over to DPs Fanzine ;-)
Fanzine X (10) due out ... 'when ever' ;-)
33 comments:
I can't see what ze fuss is about that DP...
DP is unavailable at the moment as he seems to be gibbering and hugging a pillow along with a bit of drooling.
I believe it's the culmination of the very stressful revelations that you've uncovered.
If I can get any sense out of him later, when he's recovered but before he hits the sauce, I'll try and get him to pop by ..... you're making my life very tricky you know. *grumph*
Well done 70's! More brownies & beer pleeeeeze!
@Sylvie "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." ;-)
Dear Grumpy ..... he drools and rocks every time the dentist has a go at him I am sure this latest fanzine is not the cause for such outlandish behaviour ???
Didn't mean to make your life more difficult but Snowy said he would send his pink stillettos down to you so you can kick him in the shin
Olga ~ just taking another batch out of the oven :-)
I'd like to apologize for my tardiness, I've been working on the fraccy store and neglecting my personal duties (not to mention how I've neglected the heaps of memos and other such important work over at DP's office) so hadn't found this one particular piece of mail that had somehow gotten lodged beneath the filing cabinet. Likely, it was because I've been so terribly overcrowded in the office since DP took up that magazine-clipping-while-listening-to-ABBA hobby of his, but being the tough cookie I am, I soldier on despite the rough working conditions.
So I found this letter which had been posted months ago, and I must say, it was quite a shocker. It went like this:
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Dear Fanzine Editor;
You don't know me, I'm just a little old lady who from time to time, manages (with a great deal of effort the likes most of you will never have to endure in your lifetimes) to get out to the market to pick up my prune juices and water-soluable fibre supplements (not that I need them, I just quite like the flavor).
I don't ask for much in life other than to be able to proceed through the market quickly (there are certain risks one takes when their favorite source of sustenance is prune juice and water soluable fibre supplements) so you can imagine how upsetting it was to me when, while I was doing nothing other than availing myself of a newly opened checkout, a strange looking man appeared quite upset with me. As seems to always be my sorry lot in life, the cashier found he was unable to operate his machine (I imagine that eyebrow piercing was causing him such pain he couldn't concentrate..tsk tsk) and I was forced back to the queue with the strange little man.
He was terribly annoying, demanding answers to questions about the lack of certain fan magazines in the racks by the checkouts, and then he even paid with change. All this I endured while I was in a certain (quite desperate) need to exit the market.
I had no choice but to try find some way to take my mind off of my 'problem' while waiting patiently for this odd man as he monopolized everyone's time and attention (almost as if he enjoyed it) and so directed my own focus towards the magazines that were there. (Goodness there were plenty, I don't know why he was so insistent on the one that manager said no one probably carried...)
It was then that I noticed a photo of some Hollywood actress who should be ashamed of herself for being (of all things) outside of her home with nothing on but a smile. I don't know her name, but I think she has been in some very popular movies, playing some very nasty and unlady-like roles; killing people, using drugs and heavens knows what else.
It shouldn't have surprised me then, to notice that the strange man from the market was also in that photo.
I have enclosed the photo clipped from that magazine, and demand an explanation as to why you would promote such a character by being editor of a Fanzine. Don't you realize that it is exactly behaviour such as this that will one day, be the downfall of this entire country?
I am shocked, mortified and simply beside myself to think I was standing that close to someone of such character. Next time I see him at the market, he just might find that my eyesight isn't what it used to be and the bottom of my cane might just find his foot.
In any case, I'm sure a lovely young this such as yourself will know exactly what to do with such a photo.
My Regards,
Dame Elizabeth Windsor
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Frac again: I took the liberty of scanning and uploading the magazine clipping to my blog for easy access. [Click here] I'm sure glad it's your job to answer these letters! I've done my part by bending over and picking it up. Pity though, DP wasn't there to see me; he must think there are days when I do absolutely nothing at all over at that office of his.
;-) Lovely Fanzine issue though... he should give you a raise!
xoxo
Fracas
If Lo she is a terrible Goddess sees that photograph, I'm dead meat.
I'll offer you one cardboard box, one flip flop and a Big Mac [and he's really big!] for it and the negative.
Never have I been rummaged so thoroughly ...... in fact, it's made my eyes water.
Time for a large one I think ..... *gulp*
Goodness me Dear Frac ... that poor old lady did have a terrible shock ... it is not right that the elderly have to be subject to such 'indiscretions' from the younger grey haired brigade.
Wow that photo is such a scoop, can't think how Fanzine Ed missed such a prize piccy.... mind you, you are closer to the powerhouse than I .. I see he is trying to silence you with a bribe again ... make sure it is hard cash and not some flimflam flip flop ;-) x
AH !! DP the man himself ... just before you take a large one! could you possibly pop over to the Fanzine office ... I am out of autographed photos and as much as Gertrude tries to forge your signature it just isn't quite the same... oh and the post needs sorting it is becoming a fire risk ....
Hope you are all wearing your badges btw!!!!
Tooooooo late darlin ..... your mi bestest mateeee you are. Why your place spinnin alllll arround? It lika merry-go0round thingymewotsit innit ..... fancccy a curryy? *huc* I mean *hic* ooooooo look - heffalumps!!!
*crash*
*ow*
*bothered*
Dust!!! everywhere ..... terrible ...... *swoon*
*parp*
Happy birfday to somebody!!!!! tra-la
Ok then ........ jus one fer the road ...... sasperilly!!!
Ooooo - a gutter!!!
*snuggle*
No that is the broom cupboard .. the little boys room is thata way ->
Glass of water, 2 paracetamol and blanket for DP please....
70s and Fracas (Don't worry, i'm not contagious any more) I was going to say you are both geniuses, but of course the correct term is genii.
This, apparently comes from Roman mythology, and refers to a guardian spirit................ quite apt, I think.
Thank you GW and I am pleased you are now germ free
I fear tonight that we are too late to be guardian of DPs spirit ... Can you hear that snoring???
Dear sis, you didn't miss a thing, it was my fault. I'd not dealt with the mail at DP's office for some time and hers was wedged under the filing cabinet. There's no way you could've seen it.
Quite lovely of her to clip the photo and send it along, don't you think?
I should really take her out to lunch, but I'm not sure if I want to risk the car seats (considering her fav diet and all...)
I see DP is finding the gutter. *Sigh* I imagine I could find a ladder somewhere for him to climb out...
GW, working around DP for some time, it's inevitable that we'd get a bit smarter. I mean... *someone* has to be thinking, don't you think?
Thank goodness it was found though it would have been a treasure lost ....
Uma is a good old *stick8 despite her refusal to join on twatter
I have thrown a blanket over DP so he will be right a rain until the morning but if you leave the ladder nearby he may see it though the headache in the morning
I am so glad you are here for the thinking & I am here for the typoing lol :-)
Oh dear, a little too much Madeira was it, surely he didn't discover your secret stash of nasty wine/drain cleaner?
*Tsk* you know what he's like.
I'm sure you had the turps locked away though....?
we'd already frank the turps ... come on we gals need the help of the hard stuff when dealing with the *phenomenon* on a daily basis .. but shuuuush don't tell him or he will dock our wages ;-)
Hot off the press
I have had a late addition from dear Nurse Myra @Gimcrack... who is in the middle of moving house.... she has asked me, as Fanzine Ed to say "tell daddyp I love him from me will you?"
Tis done dear Nursey :-)
I HEARD THAT!!!!!!
*crash*
*sweet dreams*
*twitch*
Sorry yes, have you given him a pillow, I know those Mancunian gutters are a bit dodgy?
I've only been on spritzers tonight
as you know, can you ask Fracas if she needs flying back anytime soon?
If not, they have a very good Pinot Turps at my hotel, and i've had a very stressful day, so i'll be caning it 'til the early hours.......
Dear Fanzine viewers ... don't be alarmed .. he won't remember this .. he will wake up as bright as a daisy in the morning :-)
Morning!!! What's been happening then?
Gotta rush actually, loads to do, people to see, emails to send .... catchyer lata ........ whooooosh
*crash*
*snore*
(watches while his eyes do the ping pong ball follow as usual)
I got a picture of him naked without a small box, up for bids on eBay...but I'm not sayin under what username.
I admire your dedication to the cause, you must be seriously committed.
Or should that be you seriously should be committed.
Nice work ;-)
oo John I am not entirely sure the Fanzine is ready for that .... howeverm I shall take a look with my hands over my eyes....
Domn~ I fear daily it is becoming more the latter ... but it sure is fun :-D
Scrolling down to here is like climbing the Eddystone Lighthouse in reverse ...... I know what I'm talking about ...... tsk
I'm a little worried about you fraccy sis... did the hands over the eyes work or have you been irreparably damaged?
DP - I've told you a thousand times, not to leave that little box in your magazine clipping room. I told you some lurking daddypaperazzi would catch you off your guard (or is that off your gourd?)...
Now I'll have to spend all sorts of company time on eBay, trying to locate the photo and purchase it (so as to keep your reputation clear, of course...)
DP ~ you know I have not been down in the cellar of my blog in ages .. I think I need a sort out
btw what were you doing scaling 'down' Eddystone Lighthouse???
Dear Frac I still have my eyes covered bxgiuubfoqwenb;coub ... oops I better not try that again whilst typing
Oh do try and sort him out plweeease... me and Sylvie could sure use some support in the cupboard xx
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